literally had 100 drinks last night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
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I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.