Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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