i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
