Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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