it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
