According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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