dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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