If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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