fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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