i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
