my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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