I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
