I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
