4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
