i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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