So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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