Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
