it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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