checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
