sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Be still, my beating vagina.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
