I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
