when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
