i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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