I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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