I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
