i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
