I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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