stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
