You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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