so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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