So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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