***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
