then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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