anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
