I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
