Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
