I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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