My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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