She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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