i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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