There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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