hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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