I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
