you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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