i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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