Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
