I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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