Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
