If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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