One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
