yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
