hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
