I wish i was in the wii world.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
