I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
