he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
