then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
this beer tastes like vomit already
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
