Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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